Short Story --> Tied to the Tracks: A Tale of RNGesus, The Golden Crate-Train, and The Dude

VirtualSwayyVirtualSwayy Member Posts: 58
=========Tied to the Tracks: A Tale of RNGesus, The Golden Crate-Train, and The Dude =========

There is an old legend in No Man's Land, about "The Dude". I've never met The Dude, and don't know anyone that has. Even though no one seems to have met The Dude, everyone knows him. because he isn't just some dude. He is THE Dude; THE dude that went 200 rounds with RNGesus, and lived to tell the tale. Maybe it's history, or maybe it's myth, but either way, it's a cautionary tale that strikes fear into the hearts of children and adults alike. The moral of this tale reminds all who hear it of the THE most fundamental requirement of life in No Man;s Land: You Worship RNGesus; or else! That was a lesson that The Dude had to learn the hard way.

The Dude's day started out like any other day grinding for jackpots in No Man's Land. His first 20 missions flew by, and then 10 more. He was jsut chillin' sending out survivors in parties of three to scavenge, but after 30 mission without a jackpot, he was getting annoyed. The Dude looked around and noticed something... he was not alone. A shadowy figure was laughing as he approached. As the stranger drew near, he grew brighter, not shadowy at all. With a smile the stranger cheerfully asked in a playful tone, "Where' da lewts at, Boi? Get 'dat gold jackpot, yo! Les' make it rayn up in heer!" The Dude thought, who is this guy? what a tool. He replied dismissively to the overly-animated L33t-speaking stranger, "I'll get it. I'll get it soon" Immediately, the stranger seem quite a bit less happy, the brightness seemed to fade as he asked in a serious tone, "Oh, so YOU?,,,, YOU gonna GET 'dat lewt?" The Dude snapped back, "Yea chill out. I almost always get a gold jackpot every 20 rounds or so." Now the stranger seemed to transform, growing taller, shadows seemed almost drawn to him and his voice changed from leet-speaking gamer-boi, to the deep powerful voice of a stern judge issuing decrees in his courtroom. He asked again, with the utmost seriousness, and again placed a bizarre emphasis on those two specific words "Are you certain, that YOU... are going to GET... a gold jackpot?" The stranger was really pissing The Dude off now, so The Dude snapped right back at him, "WTF man? Of Course, I am gonna get it. It's just RNG being a lil' bitch!". At the very moment he uttered those words, The Dude realized what he had done; He knew now... he knew he had made a horrible mistake... he knew who the stranger was, and because of that, he also knew... with certainty, that this was about to become a really bad day.

Before The Dude could even process the thought that he was completely an utterly screwed.The stranger bellowed, "Son, it's time for you to learn a hard lesson; YOU never GET loot... ever. It is ME... I am the one that GIVES loot, which you receive as a gift!" With that, the stranger confirmed what The Dude already knew... He was standing face-to-face with RNGesus, the personification of RNG itself, the most powerful force in No Man's Land, the ultimate determinant of outcomes. RNGesus was literally, a god of No Man's land, and he is pissed as hell! The dude could barely think, because one single all encompassing thought took over and as it repeated it began to drive The dude into a panic; the sheer terror inspired by that one thought, "I just called RNGesus a 'lil bitch to his face. I'm done; totally screwed." It wasn't helping that RNGesus seemed really tall now, and also really dark. RNGesus was literally cloaked in shadows as he towered over The Dude, with a grin on his face that was so evil it made The Dude tremble. As two survivors returned from a scavenge run led by the Governor, The Dude realized the Governor's team had continued scavenge missions the whole time. RNGesus turned his gaze to the mission team, sizing them up.This had to be at least what? 46? 47 missions now? Not that it mattered any more, because no jackpot was coming now; The Dude knew that much for sure. He was also sure that he was no longer in charge here, as RNGesus looked at the governor and in a commanding voice that practically compelled the Governor to obey, gave him his orders. "You will continue running scavenge missions, and opening crates, repeatedly, until I tell you otherwise. If you fail to run these missions with speed, or fail to to start another as soon as the last is done, there will be consequences, severe consequences." As the Governor began to acknowledge his orders, RNGesus quickly cut him off with a tone so chill the Governor literally froze. "Do not speak to me. If you understand my orders, begin now." At once, the mission team turned, and ran, sprinted really, to the mission car to begin a new mission. Which would be what the 48th? 49th? As if it mattered now.

RNGesus turned to The Dude now that they were alone, and told him matter-of-factly, "School is now in session. Have a seat and let the lessons begin." As The Dude sat down on a nearby rock,, RNGesus adopted a professorial tone and began...

..."Lesson 1: I got a big ole' golden crate-train. It's loaded up with train cars full of the phattiest-phat lewts. My crate-train is gold, the crates in it are gold, It's literally MADE from 5 star badge materials, which are what color? The exterior is metal train cars (they're gold), interior is cloth upholstery (all gold). The restaurant car serves up edibles not only the foods you expect, like, golden roast chicken or golden cake for desert, but everything. We got 5 star edibles that are golden steak, chocolate, even the lettuce and tomatoes in the salads (ALL gold). The 5 star chemicals I'll admit were harder to integrate. I started with simple stuff like golden hydraulic fluid for the brakes, but as soon as I discovered that chemicals can be distilled into liquor, It was on! Now the Bar car on the Crate-Train is fully stocked with top-shelf liquor that we distill from 5 star chemicals (yes, also, all gold). Cars full of gold weapons and armor. No BS traits either; alot of the bullet dodge we melt back down to 5 star metal to give out as party favors. We do use SOME 4 star cloth, we refine it into toilet paper, because on the crate-train, none even wipes their ass with anything 3 star or below. The main reason it's all gold 'cuz I make it rain on the crate-train, and no one leaves empty-handed." Just as The Dude was starting to think it wasn't that bad, just having to listen to RNGesus brag about his golden Crate-train, the lecture moved on to the next topic. RNGesus continued...

..."Lesson 2: Who gets to rides the golden crate-train and who doesn't. This one is simple, so guess who gets to ride on the golden crate-train? Yep, those that worship me, that realize all loot is a gift they receive in my grace, and give thanks. So pretty much the opposite of ingrates like you, dude. For those that don't worship RNGesus the golden crate-train drives right by. People like you get crate delivered by one for my rusty crate-trucks. I would stiff non-believers and ingrates like you completely if I could, but the probabilistic laws of the RNG force I personify demand that the crates not be empty, So we just fill 'em up with crap, and try to do stuff that screws them just a little harder like giving supplies to people who need exp, and vice-versa. We dump the 3 star and below stuff on the ingrates. For the non-believers... gas! The golden crate terrain runs on pure love, so all that extra gas ends up in non-believers crates. We don't even want to give 3 star badge mats to non-believers, so we distill 3 star chemicals back down to gas and they get that instead, we process 3 star edibles back down to tomatoes and give em supplies so they are stuck at 2 star there as well. 3 star metal melted down to gold for chests opened by the ungrateful, and 3 star cloth is harder to screw them out of, but we try to sew as much of it as we can into crap 1 star armor the infidels just auto-scrap so fast they don't realize its made of s star cloth." The dude was almost sure now that he dodged a bullet, and all he was going to have to do is listen to lectures, the lectures took a while, so they must be over 75 missions now the dude thought to himself, as RNGesus continued, "To summarize lesson 2: I'm good at rewarding my worshipers, but I'm even better, genius level, at completely screwing over the infidels who don't praise the name RNGesus." He paused for a moment, and that evil grin reappeared on his face as he said, "The next lesson will be very... let us say... difficult for you, so lets get to it". And get to it they did, and right away, The Dude got real nervous again, as RNGesus began with...

... "Lesson 3: Doesn't have a name. I've never had to teach it before, so this will be experimental. It's not so much of a lecture, but more of a... well let's call it a 'learning experience'. So why don't you go ahead and stand up." The Dude was freakin' out now, and that was probably the correct reaction, because this is where things began to turn dark, really dark. Right about the time RNGesus said, "If we wanted to name this lesson, we could stick with the Train theme and name it 'Who gets tied to to the tracks, run over, and killed by the crate train', but I'm not sure that is direct enough. We should probably name it based on what it teaches, and call it, 'Who is a lil' bitch, and who is not a lil' bitch'. Or..." RNGesus paused as he moved closer to The Dude. Really close. His evil grim became even more threatening which The Dude wouldn't have thought possible, and the lesson continued, no longer in a professorial tone, but a terrifying one. Shadows began to gather once again around RNGesus as he spoke, "...Or, since it's a learning experience, let's simply name it after the experience. Yes, let's do that. We shall call Lesson 3...." Shadows swirled around RNGesus as finally put a name to the lesson, and so told The Dude what he was to experience. He spoke in what must have been the deepest voice The Dude had ever heard, It rolled though the air the air like the deepest thunder, "... Suffering."

While that ominous word still hung in the air, the dude got straight up throat-punched by RNGesus, and crumpled to the ground in pain. RNGesus continued to pace a circle around him. If the dude did anything other than maintain his submissive posture on the ground, eyes, lowered, RNGesus would immediately grab a handful of The Dudes hair, pulling his head back to allow for the perfect throat punch, which the Dude learned quickly that a deity can deliver with the force of a dozen or so sledge hammers.With very little talking other than the occasional, flatly stated comment, or question like "Whose a lil' bitch now, my dude?", the throat punching continued for what seemed an eternity. Eventually, well before 100 missions, RNGesus changed it up a little, and also began occasionally ordering the Dude to stand, and then kicking i'm in both his bitch nuts. The Dude could clearly see that RNGesus enjoyed this torment, but what he seemed to take the most delight in was saying the words bitch nuts, which he liberally added into his occasional taunt rotation of taunting comments, like "lil' bitch got lil' bitch nuts.", or taunting questions like, "Bitch nut hacky-sack anyone?"

At what The Dude guessed was just over 100 missions, the attacks became much more continuous, as RNGesus began kicking him while he was down and spitting on him. Was it around 125 missions when RNGesus Started to multi-task, and was super busy tea-bagging the Dude, and stealing his lunch money, and screwing his girlfriend, all the while continuing to throw in throat punches bitch nut kicks. By now, the Dude was sure that RNGesus was using Diety powers to say the word bitch more times than was humanly possible. His taunt had now grown into long back to back bitch strings, like "bitches like this bitch loves my bitch nuts, not il' bitch nuts, your bitch now my bitch, lil' bitch stop bitchin' like a bitch or bitch-slap ya..." Yea, The Dude knew it had to be deity powers because no human could make that sentence comprehensible, yet he actually understood it. It seemed like over 150 missions when RNGesus started screwing his mom too, while still continuously kickin', him in the bitch nuts, throat punching him, then RNGesus got his mom and girlfriend into a threesome (while the Dude watched). At some point RNGesus must have realized he could torment The Dude better if he had help.There must have been at least 25-30 missions to go until 200, when RNGesus tagged in his posse. He called in all the other Jesus-es like Korean Jesus, Baby Jesus, and Walking Dead Jesus, Rastafarian Jesus, and ALL those Jesus-es started kickin' the shit out of the dude at once. All the dude could think of besides the pain was, "Damnit Governor, run more scavenge missions. DO them Faster. This has got to end at some point. Grind Governor, Grind!". As he prayed (not to RNGesus), that the Governor would end this, the various Jesus-es began to torment The Dude in their own unique way. Walking dead Jesus pulled out a blade and freakin' stabbed him (in the butt), baby Jesus crawled over and took a soupy green baby poop right on his face, Korean Jesus stole his phone, hacked his bank account and cleaned him out. Rastafarian Jesus was smoking a huge Marley with the girlfriend, just laughin' his dreadlocks off as he drew humiliating things like penises all over the Dudes face with permanent marker. Finally, as the Governor's team returned from a mission RNGesus waved him over and simply said, "You are Dismissed". What? How many had it been? That must have been the 200th. RNGesus told the Jesus-Posse it was time to call it, so they all kicked The Dude one last time, just for.. kicks...and they left.

Finally, The Dude wasn't getting throat punched or bitch nut kicked anymore. Too tired to move, he lay on the ground and watched as RNGesus took out 9 gold crates (The Dude wasn't sure where he took 9 crates out FROM, must be another deity power thing), RNGesus lifted up all nine and brought them over to where The Dude lay, and dropped 'em all right on the Dudes baby Jesus poop-covered face, as he added a few final thougts to share with The Dude. He mockingly said, "Enjoy the gold crates... Bitch! Guess what's NOT in them?" But the Dude could barely think. All he could do is stare blankly, so after a brief pause RNGesus answered his own question, "Anything with LUCKY! Get it? Luck is one thing RNGesus's bitch will never have!" In a brief moment of clarity The Dude thought that sounded like a punch-line, but it couldn't be; that would mean that "surprising way your god will persecute you next" jokes are an actual thing. Just as The dude was about to fade into a stupor again, he heard RNGesus say, "Dude you've heard "Jesus Saves" right? Do you know what RNGesus Saves?" The Dude just stared blankly again, barely able to understand, even though some small part of his brain thought, "wait, was that a premise/set-up for a joke"? RNGesus, answered his own question again, "RNGesus saves useless crap... Get it? To put in your gold crates! Hope you like gas, 1-star components, and scrapping useless gear because... Lesson 2, bitch! As RNGesus walked away, The dude was still processing those last few sentences. He said "Get it?", again. Right after that thing that sort of sounded like a punch-line, which was right after that thing that kind of sounded like a premise/set-up. Can't be....

...But, as The Dude became able to think a bit more clearly he realized the horrifying truth; t "surprising way your god will persecute you next" jokes do exist. He had just heard two of them in a row! From his merciless, 200+ mission long tormentor, RNGesus the sadistic torturer! And apparently the point of this little post-torture wrap-up, pre-persecution planning session The Dude currently found himself in, was so that his tormentor could float some of his new "persecuted by a god" jokes to see if they get a laugh out of the poor guy he just tortured half to death, or more than half to death. And the jokes were BAD! so bad he had to say "get it?" after the punchline! Surely, that must mean that out of all the multitude of pantheons of gods in all the countless universes that exist in the multi-verse, that RNGesus had to be the biggest douche bag of them all. Dude was lost in thought, so he didn't noticed that RNGesus had stopped walking away, and turned around.

He snapped back to attention though, as he heard RNGesus say, "You're pushing your luck bitch! I own you boy, so don't even think it". The dude was puzzled. Think it? Think what? The Dude thanked god (some other less douche-baggy deity though) that RNGesus couldn't read minds, because what he was really thinking was, Oh no! He just said "Pushing your luck". Oh no... is RNGesus, the deity of probability, actually going to go for ANOTHER luck/persecution by god joke . What a tool!

Shadows began to drawn near to RNGesus again. He looked at the dude with a contemptuous glare and said, "Dude! What part of 'my bitch' do you not get? STRIKE TWO on "douche-bag"! STRIKE TWO on "tool" also. Yea, remember? You thought I was a tool about a minute after we met.."

As the dude though back to their first meeting, he did distinctly remember thinking that exact thought - Who is this guy? What a tool. But how could he know that? What's with the strike twos?. Does he mean... like... from just now? Holy Shit! This douche-bag CAN read minds!

"THAT"S IT! STRIKE THREE!" screamed RNGesus. "I literally JUST warned you! Tell the Governor to get a mission team ready for tomorrow. I'll be back and we are going to go another 200+ to remind you who is driving this golden crate-train, and who is gettin' tied to the tracks, and run over by it, bitch!" and with that, RNGesus peace'd out and was gone.

The dude couldn't believe it. Another 200+ missions of RNGesus torment tomorrow? The Dude was so wrecked he just broke down and cried. The only thought he could muster, after 200 rounds worth of exhaustion, was, "Why him? Why am I RNGesus's bitch!? Why couldn't I be some less Douche-y deity's bitch?"

As soon as he thought it, a shot of adrenaline surged through him, as he panicked and his mind began racing again. Oh crap! Was that another strike three? Could he hear that? Where is he? Does the mind-reading thing have a range on it? Does he give out Douche-Bag strikes for thinking Douche-y, or is Douche-y it's own strike one. On No! That might be three more strikes from those uh.... D-words right there! OK, RNGesus, Bro... Can you hear me? It's your bitch The Dude. Oh never-mind, obviously mind-reading comes with something like caller ID. OK anyway, uh... Sir. You can't count those last three OK? Only that first Douche-y was about you. Ok so, thanks. I'm going to hang up now. Bye.

As The dude thought for a while about how he could actually "hang up" after his little mind reading "call" to RNGesus. He simply decided phones are not a good analogy for mind-reading. He resolved to simply stop thinking, but that required a great deal of thought in its own right. about how to not think, which led to even more thinking. SO he just started trying. He got really close a few times, at least the thought he did. Arrrrgh!!! see, another thought right there. He thought he was, so he wasn't. Game over! His very best attempt was where instead of "thinking" about if he was succeeding at not thinking, he went a completely different way with it. He began to not think, and then he after a while he began "wondering' if he was succeeding rather than "thinking" about it. Brilliant right? It was totally working, until he began "wondering" abut the difference between "wondering" and "thinking".

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